Am I really feeling like this already?

In 2018 I received my yoga teacher certification and just in the one year, it feels like I am starting to resent the life of a yoga teacher. I started my “work profession” as a Behavior Therapist right after college. I graduated with a B.A. in Child and Adolescent Development and I felt proud that I was actually utilizing my degree in the real world, proud that all my hard work “paid off”. Well, after many years of sticking it out, I realized I was burnt out from the special needs field. That was when I began my journey through the scary jungle of professions.

I never explored different fields of work before graduating from college. I had a fun and safe job as a child/teen fitness coach at the YMCA, it was a great job while going through college. Back then I figured I didn’t need to intern because I already worked with children, what else is there to know? Well, a lot, like salary, job options, need for continued education and the value as a child care provider.

I’ve had to pave my way out of the norm and make my own lane. I became widely enthusiastic and enthralled in the esoteric world, the world of holistic healing. I felt like I finally discovered what I could make my own. I will make this my profession. I got my first certification as a Crystal Healer and that’s when the ball began to roll. Soon after that, I became a Certified Reiki Level II practitioner and then I decided it was a good idea to become a certified yoga instructor.

Even though I was advised by fellow yoga teachers about the struggle in the field. The novice part of me didn’t really seem to care. I didn’t absorb the element about it really being an entrepreneurial endeavor. I went into it thinking, “with my passion for it, I am sure it won’t be difficult”. LOUDLY clears throat. Well again, not the reality.

I’m seeing the struggle, going through it and starting to resent this profession. I feel like I have been searching for stability since leaving behind the human services field and I can’t wait any longer. Little did I know or understand the logistics of this type of work. The driving, selling yourself to different yoga studios, buying class packages at yoga studios you want to teach at to show you’re interested, the social media presence that can work for you or against you, the constant change, the photoshoots, business cards, flyers, oh yeah did I mention the fancy poses? It’s a lot and I’m already tired just talking about it.

How can I recreate something I grew so passionate about to now something that I am unsure of. Are these postures even suited for the general public, with all the physical limitations and injuries how can I be authentic and teach a safe practice that follows ahimsa? Did I have to make this my profession?

I’m questioning my path, I’m lost and feeling like this as a yoga teacher I also feel isolated. I don’t find the passion for the Asana practice like my other colleagues and I feel alone. Ashamed for not gushing about poses. And going back to being authentic how can I teach a class if I don’t feel good physically doing them. Am I being a fraud?!

I’m also going through a lot physically in my body more than ever before. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and in another scary car accident all last year. Also I forgot to mention that I got laid off of my “secure” job within the same time frame. So I’m not your typical yoga teacher that will rant and rave about how the postures have changed my life. Because they haven’t. Actually since I’m now teaching more beginners and demoing more, it’s the opposite. My body feels worse than before and I feel pain in poses I never used to.

Ok that may be from all the added stress that I’m currently dealing with. For half of last year was in and out of doctor appointments, medical procedures, MRIs, being put under. My body is trying to find homeostasis. I’m just all kinds of tired of the struggle not just in this yoga teaching career but in general.

I’m finding that I may not be a regular Asana teacher and I’m leaning more on the restorative side of yoga. I feel like the Asana side can be and get very egotistical. A verbal assist in a classroom can really rub some people the wrong way and that is not where I want to be.

I guess this is all to say that my intention to being a yoga teacher didn’t start with the postures. It started and has always been a way to help those in need of refuge. The way I got into yoga funny enough was after I finally quit all child related work and was waking up at 4am anxious about my life.

I just want to help with poses that don’t lend itself to promote injury. I want to promote breath, movement, awareness and love. Is that possible?