Vipassana Cult.

In mid-December, I journeyed on a vipassana, an advertised 10-day silent retreat that actually turns out to be a total of 12 days🤷🏽‍♀️. The 🤫silent retreat, vipassana, require attendees to be silent for the duration of the course, there are no cell phones allowed, music, singing, exercise, or yoga. 😳Say what? Yes, even Yoga. One must also renounce any practice that is not vipassana during the retreat, so for me, that meant I could not practice Reiki or use Crystals. There was no course layout in the application, no syllabus, but just a vague iteration of what vipassana is but nonetheless, I trusted the referrals I had gotten. As you can imagine this was a huge commitment and I was willing to do it because I wanted to learn and experience this type of meditation for myself since I know people who have completed the course and recommended it. I was excited about the transformational experience it would provide, what I would discover about myself along the way, having access to the dessert during the breaks🤗, being away from technology (social media),📵 and learning new meditation skills.

I arrived at the Joshua Tree facility and upon registering was required to turn in all valuables, including phone, wallet, and car keys because they do not have locks in the dorms and wanted to make sure our belongings were safe. Without hesitation, I gladly handed over my life—phone, wallet, and car keys—well basically. They also had me sign a contract confirming I understood I had to stay for the duration of “10 days”, but what they really meant was 12 days. This contract was also in the application form and I found it odd that they inserted it again during the registration. They handed me a pamphlet that reiterated the course rules (absence of all external distractions and to adhere to silence during the stay), they also listed the course schedule, which was the moment it all sank in. I got to chat with the other women in the group and we talked over dinner before the silence was implemented.

The vipassana program has a course manager that looks over the female cohort and conversely there is a male manager that looks over the male cohort. I forgot to mention that the men and women are separated to reduce distraction I suppose, and promote focused attention on the meditation. The women stayed on the right-hand side of the compound with limited access and the men stayed on the left side. We had boundaries within boundaries. There was a divider that split the women's and men’s cabins. There was a boundary that kept us away from the parking lot and a boundary that limited our access to the dessert. There were only two paths to choose from, that’s it. We were not free to roam during our breaks, it was all controlled.

Along with the course manager, there is a meditation teacher for each group. We were to go to the teachers if we had any questions regarding the meditation (vipassana technique). The woman’s teacher was named Swe (pronounced Sway) and the men’s teacher was named Philip. We all met the teachers in the meditation hall on the first day. The women and men were in the same room during meditations.

On the first day, we were all expecting the teachers to um, teach! But the catch was that the teachers don’t actually teach the meditation. Get this, the program uses old recordings of S. N. Goenka (the original vipassana teacher) teaching a cohort from back in the ’90s. This is how we learned the vipassana technique. Mind you Goenka is dead.💀 Oh don’t worry, it gets better. All the teachers did there were sit facing the group with their eyes closed meditating while the group watched the lecture recordings of Goenka.😳 On random meditations the teachers would call us up 3 at a time and repeat Goenka’s instruction word for word, like a machine. For example, Goenka said, “focus your attention on your breath, feel the air touching the upper lip”. The meditation teachers would ask us if we could follow these directions verbatim, there was so much repetition. The first instruction that was given to us was to focus on the sensation of the breath on our upper lip but not everybody could do this. This was very subtle to attend to for some and the meditation teachers did not paraphrase the instruction, there was minimal to no teaching alternative ways to beginners. And if you said you couldn’t do it, then they would say come in for an interview and in the interview, they would repeat the same instruction again. That’s it, The interviews were held at specific times throughout the day, and there were only two separate opportunities to meet for them. One was after lunch and the other was at the end of the night after the last lecture. Once we began learning the technique I took notice of the constant repetition and how the meditation instruction was not explained in different ways for different learners. I started questioning the program after hearing the instruction stay the same. The program/teachers seemed dismissive of the group’s needs especially when there were people who had difficulty understanding the meditation.

On top of that, I had a massive migraine the first day. It was induced by the meditation hall’s drastic temperature changes, one moment the room became an oven🥵 and the next it became an igloo.🥶 I was wearing layers because of how cold it was in the desert and I told the group manager about this issue thinking she would be the one who could adjust the temperature. Later that day I was told that the meditation teacher wanted to see me for an interview. I was a little surprised as I didn’t sign up to see her. I thought it was strange and that maybe I was in trouble. So in the interview guess what Swe, the meditation teacher brought up? The temperature complaint I had about the meditation hall. She told me I am sensitive because I have begun the purification of the meditation. Ahem,😏 little does she know that I have spider senses. She said the reason I am sensitive is due to the meditation—focusing on my breath, She told me soon enough I will learn a new meditation that will help me no longer be affected by it. In general, I am already a sensitive person and she is assuming I am not. I knew that focusing on my breath for a few hours did not make anyone instantly sensitive.🙄I also showed her that I was layered because it was so cold outside. I was not used to this type of weather. Swe suggested I use a shawl so I could easily take it off and on but I didn’t realize she never assured me that the temperature in the meditation room would change. So instead I thought I would cut back on the layering and see what the new meditation would teach with handling these inconveniences. I really wanted to give this experience a try.

It was all so new, I figured I needed to give it some time. Aside from that, I got to my room and noticed that the bunk I was staying in had communal restrooms and showers. This was something I was not prepared for as I was looking forward to having my own private bathroom. There was a signup sheet in the bathroom that encouraged us to take 5-minute showers in order to conserve water😳. The rules were that we all had to clean up after ourselves as they do not have a paying staff. Anyone who works there is volunteering their time, note these are also individuals who have participated in a course in the past, which portrays as security that the course is valuable.😏 At least one would think.

Every day we woke up at 4 am, the schedule is as follows:
Meditation (solo/in the hall) at 4:30-6:30 am
Breakfast & Break 6:30-8 am
Coed meditation (mandatory in the hall) 8-9 am
Meditation 9-11 am
Lunch & Interviews with the teacher 11-1 pm
Meditation 1-2:30 pm
Coed meditation 2:30-3:30 pm
Meditation 3:30-5 pm
Tea break 5-6 pm
Coed meditation 6-7 pm
Discourse (video lesson by Goenka) 7-8:15 pm
Coed meditation & interviews with teacher 8:15-9:30 pm

So basically, we fasted for two hours after waking up, then had breakfast, but the catch is that you couldn’t really eat regular portions because for one you can’t exercise, and two you spend the majority of the time seated AND if you have slow digestion like me🙋🏽‍♀️you have to be careful how much you intake. To avoid bloating and discomfort during meditation I held back from eating full portions. Once I figured this out it wasn’t too bad during the day because there was only a 5-hour difference between breakfast and lunch. But after lunch, there was no dinner, just tea, and fruit. Yup and then again we fasted for more than 12 hours. So needless to say I got hungry at night and it began to tamper with my focus during my meditations.

Ok, so I started to get hungry and we were still focusing on our breath and the instructions were still repetitive, expressed in a hypnotic tone. I began to give this experience a side-eye, like whats the catch. What’s the magic touch?

So let me give you the rundown on what vipassana is. Vipassana is creating equanimity in every encounter, your experience as a whole. Practicing vipassana means not to have strong reactions of aversion or desire. Practicing vipassana one is to treat everything with balance because those strong reactions are the reasons for our suffering. So if you experienced hunger during a time you weren’t eating you are to focus on creating equanimity. They would say the hunger will pass, instead focus on your breath, and see hunger as a temporary sensation.😳Sound gaslighty much? Vipassana is obsessed with talking about sensations and developing equanimity.

A couple of days later, I believe it was day 4 the new meditation was introduced, the element of equanimity made itself known. We were instructed we had to sit in one position during meditation, not moving a muscle. This was the first major red flag 🚩that went up. Personally, these ethics did not sit well with me as I encourage my students to change and mold their practice whenever they want. If there is any moment where a yoga pose doesn’t work with their individual bodies I encourage a shit ton of autonomy. I understand we have different bodies and experience pain and physical limitations that would make this request painful. I myself experience chronic pain, and this was not my idea of meditation. So not only were we told we could no longer move but we were to go through a 2-hour meditation where we had to hold 1️⃣pose for the entire time. This to me was torture in combination with the temperature🥵🥶changes, which were adjusted for a few days after my complaint but went right back to the extremes soon after.

Recap,⏪ we basically had back-to-back meditations in the morning before breakfast and in the afternoon before lunch that removed your right to move and included torturous temperature manipulations. All while I was still trying to rationalize my stay. Reminding myself of those people I knew that recommended the course, hell I was even sitting next to a person who was doing the course for a second time. I opened my eyes during the meditation, looked around, and saw everyone complying with the instructions. I thought ok there is something wrong with me, I am missing something. “Stick with it Tania, you’ll soon understand why this is such a popular meditation.”

Once the no-moving instruction was given the hall became quieter, so when someone moved the whole room could hear it. That is when the ego showed up, just like when the ego shows up during a yoga class. You don’t want to be the one who comes out of a pose even though it’s extremely painful in your body because you don’t want to seem weak. So instead your body takes the brunt? That’s ego. Another reason why I like self-direction is that it promotes self-awareness. So this made me even more uncomfortable because now the goal became external, one posture no movement. I could feel the energy shift and the attention go to those who held their pose without moving. MAYDAY MAYDAY this is not meditation. We know that doing a handstand in yoga does not make you a guru. This type of teaching is manipulation, a prime example of groupthink.

I walked out that night after that meditation and cried. I cried because I was in pain, and cried because I partly drank the Kool-aid. His lecture during the mediation talked about people focusing too much on the pain rather than remembering there are other sensations to experience and forgetting that those uncomfortable sensations great or small are impermanent. Yes in some instances this is true but it’s not a linear statement, right? There can be pain that is permanent due to a physical injury of sorts. Their idea then is to accept this pain rather than relieving the pain or avoiding the pain. Telling someone to suck it up and deal with it is something that can be avoided is classically bypassing. But after listening to the lecture in that instant, I acknowledged that I do focus on the pain in my body and maybe this technique would help me to detach. I ignored all of the red flags I think because of the vulnerability it induces. I thought that the technique would help me view the pian in a different way.🙄I was being so patient with this process/experience I was holding onto anything that resonated. PS I also love to learn about myself through other people’s perspectives which can also be a detriment to me as I could lose myself in the process.

The fact that in the lectures Goenka kept saying our sensations are impermanent, but for some of us the pain was permanent. I live my life with pain and do what I need to do (Epsom salt baths, massages, yoga, chiropractor, back support…) in order to accommodate this reality.

I stuck a pin📍in it and proceeded on thinking there was going to be a life-changing revelation within this technique soon. However, I was wearing tired of the nonsense.

“I have chronic pain, is this practice for me?” My plan was to ask this question at the end of the discourse on day 6. I was still open to hearing what the remaining instructions for the technique would be, I assumed there was a method to the madness. Sure enough, the discourse on day 6 talked about having doubt in the vipassana technique. Goenka argued that this meditation is science-based and this was the path of Buddha's liberation. I feel like when you have people meditating for long hours there is a sense of openness, along with a sense of trust and security in the program. I think this is where the intention of the program shows through. How is it that we are taking what this man is saying as facts? How do we really know this style of meditation was practiced by Buddha, and how do we know that it is the same vipassana that we are being taught now? Goenka claims Vipassana is science-based but there is no hard-set study that points to vipassana specifically being science-based. What studies do show is that mediation is scientifically proven to reduce stress and improve one’s livelihood.

We learned the Vipassana meditation is about creating equanimity and holding one pose for an hour-plus. The new instruction was to take your awareness to each and every part of your body. Like placing your awareness at the top of your head than going to your forehead, the right eye, the right side of the nose, the right side of the mouth… and so on until you get to the bottoms of your feet. This is exactly what Yoga Nidra is—mindfully journeying throughout the body, portion by portion from the top of your head to the bottoms of your feet, bringing awareness to each and every part. In other words, the vipassana technique is a self-directed Yoga Nidra Meditation minus the relaxation (cause you can’t move once you’re in a seated position and you can’t lie down). Of course, this type of technique is going to work. I mean deep meditation for anybody will result in a better attitude and frame of mind, especially those without a meditation practice and or devoid of a spiritual practice. It’s combining the elements of meditation, body awareness, somatic awareness, and deprivation of external stimuli. But what about people who advocate for the grey area, who know that life is not black or white, especially those who promote having agency over one’s body at all times, individuals who suffer from pain? Why stress the body more than necessary?

Yeah, people are going to experience the stuff they haven’t wanted to deal with during moments of silence, and yeah there will be major purification BUT AT WHAT COST?

The cracks in the system were beginning to show but I still had one foot in and one foot out. This is when I began to experience my bodily responses. I found myself judging them, “was I being impulsive wanting to end my stay in the program?” On day 8 I went for another interview🙄, the ones at the end of the day, yeah I managed to self-talk my way through another day. I told the teacher that I was not resonating with the meditation. I told her that I felt like it was Ground Hogs day, everything was repetitive and I found myself just breathing during the mediation and not doing the body scan. I neglected to mention that I was also starting to feel anxious more and more but I did tell her that the repetition was getting to me. My mind could not bear it anymore, I felt it was like a brainwashing technique. Her response to what I shared with her was further dismissal but this time it was a claim that I was needing this type of practice more because I was surely not being at peace with the present. She said that I was in fact letting my aversion win. She also added that all of my feelings were normal because I was not the only one feeling this way. That was the first time she gave me reassurance. She told me it would be over soon and that I just have day 9 to go through the meditations. She reminded me that on Day 10 we were allowed to talk and then on Day 11 we would all go home. So I rationalized with myself again and said decided to stay since I only had one more day of the schedule. I really wanted to talk to some of the ladies there since there was a lot shared during the course. Also, I wanted to see if there were any people who felt the same way as I did about the course.

I know you’re probably wondering why I didn’t just leave. I somehow trusted that my notions would be validated, and I believed the meditation teacher had my best interest in mind. After all, she was considered a guru within the program. I expected to hear, “Yes Tania, I think you are right this practice is not something you seem to be acclimating to I do agree that it’s best for you to leave.” I’ve experienced honest practitioners that listen, honor, and use their intuition to help guide those who are not aligning with the practice. I felt like the meditation teacher was trying to convince me of the practice and continue to dismiss my feelings of dissonance. They do not create a safe space for those who do not resonate with the practice. I found out that instead of that being a possibility what resulted was persuasion and subtle manipulation.

Day 9 came and went, I just went through the motions. I was so excited for day 10 since I was told it was the end of the course and we could all speak.

Day 10 finally arrives and yes we learn a new meditation to send peace onto the world that for me acted as a balm for the whole course. It magically made me forget about the torture, the groupthink, striving to keep the group cohesive by not agreeing with my inability to be in favor of the meditation technique, and the dictatorship throughout. The last meditation was over, or so I thought and I walked out of the meditation hall in shock. I knew I could speak but I didn’t know whether to scream, jump for joy or run straight to my car and flee. I felt deep freedom that ran over me, I began to cry. I was so overwhelmed by this freedom, it felt like the metaphorical shackles vanished but I still felt oppressed because I had another day there. Like I said they call it a ten-day meditation when in actuality the days spent there amount to 12 days. The last day, the eleventh day is meant for cleaning the commune but I knew I reached my limit.

There were cookies and tea available in the dining hall so we can all meet and finally talk to each other. After talking to some women I could tell that some were also still in shock while others said they felt “elated”. I heard some people say how much was uncovered for them by the experience, how freeing it was, and how emotional it was. I was right about how those who kept one pose during the meditation. They were indeed praised by those who did move, they even mentioned things like you must have gotten more benefit (from not moving???).🙄 Oh, Lord. Yet I was the only one questioning the method. Questioning the imposed rules and removal of autonomy. The twisted mind control during the meditation. All those beliefs were in the background of my conversations with them, I was still processing it all. Most of the attendees were in fact dealing with heavy things that they avoided tapping into. This was another aspect I could not connect to since I constantly do shadow work and go deep into my healing. So these people did in fact connect to each time Goenka stated that everyone is living in misery because they were. They repressed a lot and they felt heard and acknowledged by his lectures.

I was approached by the group manager because I signed up for one last and final interview with the meditation teacher regarding the Vipassana practice since I was there to learn the technique and give myself one last final opportunity to determine whether or not I was going to continue practicing it. I must say I did learn how to sit for quite some time without moving and bring awareness to my inner body because prior to that I was a wiggle worm when it came to meditating. I wanted to give it as much of an opportunity since I was on the fence about it the whole time. Again thinking I was missing something since I was hearing people’s feedback on their experience.

Before I could ask any of my questions the meditation teacher told me that I would be only be allowed to attend two more courses and then I would have to choose between practicing Reiki or Vipassana. It was an ultimatum made by the organization. This was the cherry on top. As soon as she said that all the things that were still question marks in my head about the technique became clear. I know that no spiritual practice would have you pick one over the other. The whole anti dogma lectures that Goenka gave were in fact a part of the vipassana technique. Vipassana is dogma whether they admit it or not. I could not stomach it any longer. I finally got the answer I wanted, a blatant red flag to comfortably make my decision. This practice is definitely NOT FOR ME.

I went back to the dining hall and was made aware of two more mandatory meditations. This came as a surprise since the meditation teacher told me that on the 10th day we’d be done and that meant no more mandatory meditations but clearly that was not the case.

I gave it a shot, I again rationalized my feelings and thought ok I’ll practice my breath-work and see. I began the technique starting at the top of my head to each portion of my body, and instantly began getting anxious. I couldn’t do it any longer so I got up and left the meditation hall. Now you have to understand the whole room is filled with people intently meditating still striving not to move. Again it’s the whole idea of not wanting to be that person. I decided after so many times dismissing my own signals I was going to be that person and finally honor myself and possibly disrupt the meditation hall with my exit.

I went to my bunk and into the communal bathroom and decided to wait in my room until the meditation was over. I was also going to tell them that I wanted to leave and that I don’t want to practice vipassana. I was done. This is all running through my mind as I am sitting on the toilet until I hear the group manager come into the bathroom and call my name. She said, “Are you going to come back to the meditation?” I said, “No, I am feeling really anxious and I have decided this meditation is not for me.” She continued to talk, mind you I am still in the stall.😏 I had to ask her if we could talk once I got out of the bathroom. This was another moment where I didn’t feel sovereign.

Once I came out of the bathroom she told me to come back, she said that I could bring my fuzzy gloves to help me feel better and that I could just breathe through the meditation. More forcing more convincing!! She told me I would be able to talk to the meditation teacher right after and tell her I wanted to leave. “I still have to talk to the meditation teacher?” At that point, I had my answer and it was to leave. It was no longer to ask if leaving was a good decision. Regardless of my strong conviction to leave I was still dismissed. My decision was not honored, accepted, and respected. I was held against my will.

The whole time the group manager kept dangling a carrot in front of me. Each time I did not agree with the meditation and questioned my stay she directed me to the meditation teacher where I would be bypassed and convinced to stay. And now my decision had to go through the meditation teacher. I was still asked to wait to speak to her, why wasn’t there someone else that could speak to me in the moment each time I had doubts? Delaying this for anybody is not ethical. I obeyed once more because I knew that this time I was going to tell the meditation teacher I was through.

I was tired of having all of my doubts, and feelings dismissed. I pacified enough and I was tired of complying. I told the teacher I wanted to leave and she ok’d it on a couple of conditions.😏 The first condition was that I could not leave right then and there because she didn’t want anybody to see me leave because they would want to leave as well. She said I could have dinner with the group and leave during the evening meditation. I wanted to leave while the sun was still up since I would be driving through the desert and I could see a storm coming in. Then the second condition was that I couldn’t tell any of the attendees I was leaving because of the same reason.🚨Why would she tell me that? They know that people want to leave but because everyone is complying, everyone ends up staying, alas groupthink!!! By this time I’m ready to run out of that place.🏃🏽‍♀️

At this point I am shocked again, I left her building which is adjacent to the building I’m staying in and the compound is pretty open. You can pretty much see all the activities in the commune. I spotted a woman I befriended one whom I met the first day there and I told her I was in fact leaving and I told her the conditions Swe gave me for my departure. I told her this woman because I didn’t want to leave without getting her contact information. Note we still did not receive our cell phones, wallets, and keys on day 10 so nobody felt the urge to exchange contact information when we were all chatting in the dining hall earlier during tea. (reliving this experience blows my mind to how blind we all were) At this point I had so much adrenaline running through my body I was shaking while talking to the woman. She followed me to my room and we exchanged contact information. 5 minutes later the group manager comes to my room and tells me that the meditation teacher has changed her mind. Coincidental no? The meditation teacher saw me talking to the woman after the interview and figured I had disclosed the information about my departure. The group manager told me that instead of leaving in the evening during the final meditation, I would be leaving in the next ten minutes while the group goes in for a meeting. It felt like this decision was top-secret. I was so happy that I didn’t have to wait long to leave. The group manager told me to meet her in the parking lot where she would bring my belongings. I rushed my packing, the group manager even came back to my bunk to help me pack because I had to leave before the group go out of the meeting. It was about 43 degrees out, windy, the sky was covered with grey clouds. I zoomed to the parking lot unsure when she would come and give me my real freedom, bringing out my phone, wallet, and keys. Crazy right?!!

The thoughts ran through my mind, “They have my wallet, did they take any money? Are they looking through my wallet? When will she bring my things?” The whole time felt like an eternity but she finally came out and gave me my things. I loaded my things as fast as I could and I got straight in my car and took a big exhale. I knew a storm was coming and my nervous system was at an all-time high. I got in my car and couldn’t believe it. I could only drive for half an hour until I could not drive any longer because the rain was so bad I could no longer see out of my windshield. Ironically the 10th day was Christmas day and of course, I was hoping to make it in time for dinner and see my family. Instead, I had to stop and stay in a hotel. I spent Christmas alone for the very first time.

Needless to say, I felt abused, dumb for not DEMANDING OUT SOONER, dismissed, made a fool, sad because I let myself down. But I’ll tell you this affirmed how accurate our intuition is, how the body kicks in right away and sends us alerts in the form of bodily sensations. I do feel much stronger, I have the right to assert my wants and needs. I have uncovered my need for validation, approval of my feelings. I don’t need someone to agree with me to let me know I am indeed correct. I am sovereign and can trust myself to make the right decision. I have accepted being that woman who will not tolerate anything that does not feel right if it means people won’t like me. There were so many things that were not right about this course like taking away our identities (phone, wallet, keys), taking away our privacy (no locks on the doors), bypassing anything that doesn’t match their way, neglecting autonomy, lack of transparency regarding the course outline and procedures, lack of freedom to choose when to go home, lack of honest guidance when they know someone does not fit the technique. I can assure you that I will never ever attend a vipassana meditation again but I actually gained a grand amount of insight and enlightenment through the experience, self-study.

If you are still interested in vipassana I strongly suggest researching as I didn’t. I just trusted. Here is a Reddit that argues both sides. Use your intuition.